Have you ever felt something, and then maneuvered to avoid feeling it? Sometimes we are uncomfortable with what we are feeling. We may feel angry, and wish we didn’t. We may feel jealous, ashamed, and want to run away. What if we allowed ourselves to be aware of such feelings, to have it be OK to have them be there? What about our ideals? What if someone hurt our feelings? Should we tell them? What might be the outcome? What would be served? Might it not make things worse? What if they got angry with us?
If truth be told, who knows what might happen? All hell might break loose! Or, perhaps, we’d be set free to be who we are!
According to Susan Campbell, Ph.D., in her book, Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life (New World Library) people spend most of their communication energy trying to control situations rather than exploring the truth. She reminds us of the ancient truth that 1) we are born whole and endowed with all the creative wisdom of the Creator; 2) then, in our interactions with others, we begin to cut off parts of ourselves, restricting our lives to what feels safe, and then finally, 3) as we grow older, we spend a lot of time trying to reclaim those lost parts. Dr. Campbell has found that honesty is a good awareness-practice for reclaiming our wholeness. Because people often scare away honesty by imagining scenes of shouting, cursing, and other destructive communications, her book is devoted to teaching us the skills that make honesty the best policy rather than the last resort.
It’s worthwhile to mention the 10 skills she teaches:
1) “To get where you need to go, be where you are.” Experiencing what is, rather than focusing on what you believe to be or how you think things should be. Experiencing what is keeps us engaged in the flow of life.
2) “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to hide.” Be transparent. Learning the skill of self-disclosure, which sometimes means feeling vulnerable, allows you to relate authentically with others. Can you admit that you’ve been judgmental?
3) “Do you want to relate to me or control me?” Notice your intent. We can use our communications, even those based on “truth skills” to control others. Is it really necessary to be safe?
4) “Do you want the truth or do you want candy?” Welcome feedback. Asking for the truth from others gives you a more intimate sense of contact.
5) “Lay your cards on the table.” To support your feelings with action, assert what you want and what you don’t want.
6) “It takes one to know one.” Take back your projections and discover your other side. We see things “out there” that are really “in here.” The complaints or fears we have regarding others may be signals that we need to look inside.
7) “It’s OK to go out and come in again.” Truth is a changing reality. It’s good to recognize that you are feeling differently about something than you described earlier.
9) “I am not crazy, I am complex.” It’s OK to have conflicting emotions and to share them.
10) “Be still and don’t know.” Be comfortable with silence. Sometimes just sitting together allows things to sink in. In the fertile void of not knowing, new realities emerge.
If you are like me, the mention of some of these skills reflexively brings up some disaster scenario. It’s easier to imagine how practicing these skills will get you hurt than it is to imagine how they will bring you a freer, more creative, fulfilling life and more enjoyable intimacy with others, as Dr. Campbell promises. Of course, I’ve only mentioned these skills, not fully discussed them as she does in her book.
Common sense is a fundamental skill prior to “truth Cskills.” The author advocates that we use a lot of it. But she doesn’t assume we already have it. Fears, habits, unconscious agendas, and other issues get in the way of common sense. That’s why she promotes learning truth skills as “awareness training,” somewhat akin to meditation. As we learn and practice the skills, we become more aware of ourselves and the limits we place upon our experience.
Getting real is geared to better relationships as much as it is to being more ourselves. In fact, getting real implies that our reality, our real self, is really the way we are in relationships, not the way we are when we are alone. Carpenter advocates that we learn these truth skills by practicing them in a small group of people who are sincere in their desire for authenticity and who wish to support it in others. The truth of the matter, in fact, is that ultimately, if truth has a future, it depends upon all our cooperation.
Book Review - Getting Real - Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live An Authentic Life
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